To the guy who I owe my best songs to,

Well..Yeah, I'm gonna use your name. Full name not only the first letter. It's 21:40, sittin in my bedroom listening to Ripple n asking myself "how?". How can something hurt n heal at the same time? This question can be asked about every single fuckin track you have suggested so far. Every single killing song.. poisonous and yet curative. "I know you expect me to listen to what you introduced today but I have always been some days behind. I do know I'm gonna cry to that song later but not now, I'm in pain"..

I can't hate you. Even when I said what I said it wasn't out of detestation. Just... We were friends not the closest but intimate enough to trust each other. I msged everyone to find you at the first place. I knew nth about music but you n your texts made me feel confident when some are talking about what they listen to, when some ask for suggestions..

..N bang. Everything fell apart. If you hadn't said anything, I would have never talked to you again cuz I'm still that person who decides for others, who vanishes, who comes n goes n comes n is stuck to this bloody cycle. She's selfish, I do know that but all she wants is to protect herself like everyone else does, like the way you do when you talk to others. You talk cuz you believe in dialectic. Cuz you think conversations can save lives. N here I am having faith in silence. Deep down I fuckin know you are right but.. anyway..

You've opened so many doors. To different heavens. To Bowie, Radiohead, Porcupine Tree, Blackbottomocean, Antimatter, Blueneck,  ..To a very different Pink Floyd..  n so many more.. You showed me the actual stairway to heaven n I am in awe of you till the last day music saves my ass.

As I was counting, it dawned on me I've never given anything to you  "if only private accounts, locked posts,n high walls don't count".. So many nights I survived because I had learnt two magical sentences from your page.

 

I'm not here

This isn't happening...

 

When I said I'm gonna write to you I never knew what I want to say n well.. to be honest I dunno what I'm saying. I have forgotten all grammars n have lost my touch.. You know.. Speaking has never been a piece of cake for me..

I'll write when.. Just need time to come to my senses.. I've read what u wrote several times n I'm still gonna read n answer.

I'm sorry, you made me cry, too. I'm sorry . I have never wanted anything but happiness and love for you. I wanted you to be in love with a girl who has long, damn long hair. The one who also loves hugging. I wanted the best of everything for you.. I wished you steady hands, they are too young to shake.. 

I'm so sorry....

I'm sorry, sorry for giving up on my friend. Sorry for being who I am. Sorry for having nth to give in exchange.. Sorry .

And the door is open to you.